Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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