I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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