Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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