I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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