remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
