i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
