Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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