My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
