you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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