What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
