Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
