He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
