do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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