I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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