I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
