i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
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