i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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