nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
