This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i just had sex bonerless
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
