Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
