hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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