You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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