I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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