I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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