I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
