If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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