she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
