i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
