Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
