I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
