Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
