Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
