Me too!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
