Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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