he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
