You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
