textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
