I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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