I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
