i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
