i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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