ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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