Your mouth is God's brothel.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
