Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
