a search helicopter?!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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