I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
