ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
