I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
