worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
