I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We were destined to go to rehab together
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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